Vice Style » News » STUPID FASHION: SANDALS

OK, I know this is a mainstream opinion, but I hate sandals. I think they’re disgusting and the people who wear them are stupid. Back in 600,000 BC, they were an acceptable choice. Some of the greatest civilizations ever, the Egyptians, Greeks and Romans, ran with the trend, but it's thousands of years later and we have high quality footwear at our disposal, so why are the damn things still around? What follows are the new styles marketing people will be forcing down our throats and the reasons I ain't sold. In the pictures that follow, fashion's sandal vision is on the left, and the nightmare reality is on the right.

BIRKENSTOCKS

Birkenstocks were invented in a small German village in 1774. A century later, they were one of the first brands to create soles that reflected the shape of the human foot, therefore making them extremely comfortable and blah blah blah… When they finally made into sandals, some hippie on vacation at a spa in Germany freaked out about how great they felt and started importing them to the United States and passing them out to all her hippie friends. These days their presence isn’t as threatening and you really only see them at Burning Man and on yoga instructors and elementary school art teachers; but now that they come in camo, prepare for a whole new generation of jerks in cargo shorts wearing them.

JELLYS

Jellys either originated after WW II during the leather shortage in Europe or they were created in the 50s or 60s when nearly everything was made out of plastic. They were widely sought after in the mid 80s to the woe of our feet because after 15 minutes of wearing them your feet would be blistered, bleeding, and sweating so much your skin will rub off into little shit smelling globs at the bottom of your shoes. Once again, they’re popping up in stores thanks to Brazil’s Melissa and their ranges for legends Vivienne Westwood and Jean Paul Gaultier. Unfortunately, those two are known for forcing models down the runway in ankle breaking footwear, so if I were you I wouldn’t get too excited about them unless you have health insurance.

GLADIATORS

The Greeks invented cothurnos or what we now know as “gladiator boots”. Only entertainers, and men of notable rank were allowed to wear these horrible things. Today they are more visible than ever –thanks to Raf Simons, Spartacus and Clueless. This wasn’t such a huge problem until girls and gay guys started wearing them out in clubs paired with leather shoestrings tied around their heads like they were the offspring of a Roman god that had a baby with the chick from the Dark Crystal. Now because of Nike’s take on the shoe, I wouldn’t be surprised if the shoestrings turned into bedazzled tie-dyed sweatbands.

LANVIN AKA TEVAS AKA DAD SANDALS

What is it with these? Why does every designer think they're reinventing the avant-garde by designing open toed shoes modeled after the embarrassing crap that dads like to wear with thick white socks when they take out trash. Lanvin is making their own version of the horrendous things everyone says are based on Tevas. Known as the “sports sandal”, Tevas were created in 1982 by a river guide at the Grand Canyon after he probably smoked a massive joint. He set out to create a stellar sandal for his fellow bros in action sports that was comfortable enough for hiking and all other types of outdoorsy activities a person would have to be an idiot to not wear close-toed shoes when engaging in. My brief fascination with the shoes quickly vanished when my parents went white water rafting and my mom’s sandal got caught in an old fishing net in some harsh waters and she nearly died in an undertow; even now that they have a “fashionable” heel I still fucking hate them.

FLIP FLOPS

Yesterday, I nearly gauged my own eyes out when I saw a guy with hobbit feet walking in the rain in flip-flops like it was no big deal. His feet were swimming in a sea of bum piss and dead rats. Not only is wearing flip-flops a form of visual torture and the easiest way for a person to contract a gnarly foot fungus, they also put the lives of others in danger. Imagine what would happen if someone zoned out so hard on the back of your flip-flops that they stepped on your foot during a stampede, the last thing anyone wants is to end up in a bloodbath because they stumbled over your sad excuse for a practical shoe that got caught in an escalator or an elevator door.

ANNETTE LAMOTHE-RAMOS